Mothers-in -law

Mothers-in -law

There is a good side to mothers-in-law that needs to be lauded when they bring about a change for the better in the life of their daughters-in-law

There are so many funny stories told about mothers-in-law that I suspect there is a lot of truth in them. In my counselling sessions with married women it is often quite a relief to hear a young wife say, “I have a wonderful mother-in-law. She is truly a second mother to me”. This encourages me to say something for and against modern mothers-in-law.

Any mother-in-law who reads this should remember that when her darling son decided to marry, he also decided on the girl of his choice. Therefore in a real sense, he no longer belongs to her, his mother. He belongs to his wife. It is interesting to know that the ancient Hebrews used to keep the words of the commandments of God tied to their arms or to their foreheads folded like a little tube or box to fulfill the words of Deuteronomy (6: Cool

. They literally believed in a constant conscious awareness of keeping the commandments before their eyes. Modern mothers-in-law ought to keep the text uppermost in their minds (of course no need for a little box).

‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh’ (Mk.10:7-8). Some mothers-in-law actually become jealous of the affections bestowed on the young brides by their sons. One complained with tearful eyes. “She has stolen my darling boy from me”. Actually this is so because the mother-in-law cannot warm to the girl and cannot love her. So she may continue to concentrate on her son and literally ignore her daughter-in-law, who eventually begins to feel like a stranger. If the young man is thick-headed, he does not perceive this feminine battle and brushes aside the complaints made by his wife. Some men feel helpless. On the one hand a man does not wish to offend his mother and on the other he knows not how to please his wife. He feels like an acrobat doing the balancing act, and often at times know not when he will fall.

We all know that the connection between a mother and her son at any time in their lives is relationship, not ownership. Many mothers suffer pangs over this — they would like to have ownership. Marriage is the final severance of any possessiveness a mother might have had over her children. “I will not hear of this! How can it be? Haven’t I spent the best days of my life raising my children? What about the sacrifice, the pain, the sleepless nights, the …” Yes, the list is endless! The fact however remains that mothers and fathers are mere trustees of their children and God the Creator is the owner.

All mothers desire that their children have happy marriages but the happiness of a marriage scarcely depends on the presence of a mother-in-law. It is doubtless she has had much experience in life but nothing can be more annoying to hear one’s mother-in-law pipe in saying, “Why don’t you put more clothes on the baby? Or feed the babies this or that — I made it especially for them”. Does she not know that unsolicited advice may not be acceptable?

One trouble area is in matters of support for the mother-in-law. How much allowance or what part of their salary should they the couple give to the mother-in-law. One lady asked her husband, “Why do you give so much money to your mother? We need the cash we earn for ourselves and our children”. Such a problem should have been discussed and agreed upon before marriage.

Yet often an interesting area which is the cause of unhappiness is when mama prepares her baba’s favourite dish. Imagine this scene at the dinner table when the mother-in-law declares aloud: “Son have another cutlet, I prepared it”. Susie the daughter-in-law confessed how she felt like giving her mother-in-law a jab with her fork. A mother-in-law must understand that her time for feeding the married children are over. Indeed mama’s specialties may be welcome and greatly desired, but there is no need for announcements or declarations.

I have also heard about the pontificating mothers-in-law. They spend time in prayer, recite a couple of rosaries and make endless novenas. Then like matriarchs they dictate in matters guarding the faith and morals of the young couple. They sit on an imaginary judgement seat and pass severe sentences for the so-called ‘hellish crimes’ of the young couple.

After all these brick bats, let us see the good side of the mothers-in-law. They are a happy lot proudly counting their blessings in the number of grandchildren they have. They are eager, willing and ready to help. They can do a fine job caring for their grandchildren. They can be a moral support to young couples especially in the early years of raising a family. It makes them feel wanted and also young again. It also makes them joyful with the experience that life has given them. It is so uplifting to hear a young woman say: “I am so fortunate, I don’t know how I would have managed if it was not for my mother-in-law”.

On International Women’s Day, we often focus on women’s issues regarding discrimination, empowerment, atrocities and the like. Let us this time pay tribute to the modern mothers-in-law who have brought about at least some change in society. Their attitudes, their concerns, their goodwill and spirit has led them to empower their daughters-in-law in many cases. Mothers-in-law too have experienced difficult times and made sacrifices, to raise their families — all this cannot be forgotten. So good luck and cheers to all Mothers-in-law !

JEANETTE PINTO