Who is to Blame?

Who is to Blame?

Greed, lust, sloth, envy — by the time they are 21, our youngsters have experienced practically all the seven deadly sins

Even today, a little over two months since the gruesome happening, one still shudders at the memory of the ghastly murder of 54-year old Leticia Mendes and her 18-month old grandson, baby Dylan Lobo, at I.C. Colony, Borivili, on that fateful afternoon of the 19th November, 2003. Gaining entry into her flat on the pretext of attending cookery classes which they cajoled her into conducting for them, the accused reportedly stabbed Mrs Mendes fourteen times, before they also assaulted and stabbed her 24-year old daughter Glenda. Then, believing that she too was dead, the ruthless killers, hung her baby son from the ceiling fan of the bedroom, lest he be the only witness to tell the gory tale.

The five accused, all of them youth between the ages of 15 & 20 and almost all of them Catholics, are reported to come from respectable, well-to-do families. Referred to by the press as ‘young junkies’, the motive attributed to this double murder was the crazy lust for money and a lavish life style.... bikes, cell phones, drugs, alcohol, mod clothes and what-have-you, for they decamped with around Rs.75,000 worth of stolen jewellery.

A recent newspaper article reported the growing incidence of young college girls, coming from respectable families, indulging in prostitution during college hours, in order to make a quick buck, while their parents are totally oblivious of their whereabouts. Another newspaper article spoke of today's teenagers driving down the fast lane of crime, with Greed being the God they worship and revere. The same article reported how a gang of 15 and 16 year old girls had to be carried out drunk, after a New Year Eve’s Party in a suburban 5 star hotel, wearing mini-skirts, with nothing underneath. Today it is not at all uncommon to see young college girls smoking heavily and indulging in shocking language, unbelievable for a girl. However the deeper and painful reality that emerges from these scary happenings, is the depths to which so many of our young people seem to have sunk today, under the influence of drugs, alcohol, the lust for money and the desire for a life-style projected and applauded by the media.

The consumeristic world in which we now live, beckons them to join in the unending excitement and fun, promising them “great highs” for a tempting price and they will go to any lengths to get what they want. For them it is the End that matters and the End justifies the Means. But who is to blame for this? Is it today's helpless parents with little or no control over their growing children? Could we parents be responsible in some way, for making our children go the way they do? Is it the media with its increasing influence on the lifestyle, thinking and value-system of our vibrant youth, which we parents are powerless to control? Could it be the tremendous pressure of competition and the need to achieve beyond their capacity? Could it be peer pressure with its increasing momentum and power? Or is it a combination of all these? Where lies the blame and is there a solution?

The parishioners of the Church of Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception, Borivili, spearheaded by their pastor Fr Hugh Fonseca, have been deeply pained and disturbed by the gruesome happening in I.C Colony and have decided to do something to protect their youth. They have enlisted the help of the local police in cleaning up several of the “soft spots” in the area. They are in the process of setting up Teams of parents in each zone, who will meet regularly to share with each other, any relevant vital information they might come upon, concerning the youth living in their zones.

In an endeavour to help constructively, they propose to convey this information to the parents concerned, even at the risk of being considered to be interfering. But what is particularly interesting is the findings of the dialogues they conducted between parents and youth, on the subject of “Relationships”, at their SCC Meetings. These findings were shared at all masses, one Sunday in December 2003 and they are most enlightening and stimulating. Most youth feel that their parents are dominating, that they insist on their own point of view and believe that they have all the answers. This, they say, tends to turn them off. At other times they feel that their parents are over-protective and that they put too many restrictions on them, curbing their freedom completely. But what they seem to resent most is their being compared and criticized by their parents and being labelled as, “useless, good-for-nothing and a disgrace to the family”. They shared that this truly hurts and makes them feel rejected and unloved. They also complained of their parents failing to trust them sufficiently and of some parents constantly nagging their children.

Some youth find their parents to be over-demanding, expecting too much of them and often trying to realise their own unfulfilled dreams and ambitions, through their children. They spoke of parents using emotional blackmail to get them to achieve better results. The youth believe that their parents often mean well and appreciate that they do a great deal for them, but dislike being constantly reminded of how much they are spending on them. They are of the opinion that parents are very critical of their friends and that they judge them by their exterior. They expect them to bring their friends home, but say that when they do, it is like the “Spanish Inquisition”. Above all, they expressed the great need for parents to be role models for their children and emphasised the irony of their teaching them to do and observe many things which they do not practice themselves, like smoking, drinking, gossiping, fighting and holding grudges against others.

Indeed, veritable eye-openers for all of us parents! On the parental side, parents admitted the need to accept their children as they are and their failing to often show them this acceptance. They also admitted their tendency to compare their children with others whom they feel are worthy of imitation, believing it will motivate them to do better, but realise that it does not work that way. They feel that the pressure they often put on their children to achieve, is due to the extreme competitiveness of today's world and their fears for their future. They also accept the need to find time to talk to, and listen to their children and finally, while admitting that they often have double standards themselves, they want their children to know that they are struggling to be role models for them, that they want to teach them what is good and right and that they do want the best for them.

Hence it is sad but true, that critical, dominating, over-ambitious parents can goad their children to find escape in alleys outside the home and in what the media portrays as the magic wand to eternal bliss and they get sucked in easily. Psychologists and Counsellors firmly believe that the only solution to the problem lies in communication and more communication, between parents and children. However, Communication is a two way street which involves both talking and listening and the greatest need today is for parents to know how to talk so that children listen and how to listen so that children talk.

There are several factors which facilitate communication. Firstly, be specific. Avoid asking vague questions like, “How was your day today?” Ask instead, “How did your Maths Test go?” or “What about that problem you were having in college regarding your exams being postponed?" Next, show that you are genuinely interested in what your child has to say and this involves the gentle art of listening. If you listen, your child will be motivated to talk. Learn to listen with your whole self .... not just with your ears, but with your eyes as well. Hence stop doing every thing else. Give non-verbal signs that you are listening like the nod of your head, a smile or just reaching out to give him or her that reassuring touch. Be comfortable with spells of silence, do not interrupt, do not probe and do not be quick to offer solutions.

Our children often need just a listening ear, not profound advice. Further, allow them to express their own point of view and respect it, even if you disagree with what they have to say. Refrain from cutting them short by remarks like, “you are foolish ... stupid ... that's ridiculous!” This discourages them from talking again. We must avoid labelling our children and passing scathing, hurtful remarks which attack personality, especially in the presence of others and particularly their peers, whose opinion of them means so much to them. This truly hurts them and arouses feelings of anger and resentment towards us. Besides, children usually become what we repeatedly keep telling them they will become. This is called the “self-fulfilling prophecy” and it often works negatively.....

As parents, we must learn to accept our children’s feelings of anger, hurt, fear. Sympathise with them, it is half the battle won. Avoid rationalising or being judgemental about their feelings, it only teaches them not to open up to us again, because we never seem to understand. Allow them to offer an explanation or reason before we judge, punish or condemn. They may often have a justifiable explanation to offer. As parents we should and must insist on knowing what time we can expect our children home. I believe we have a right to do so. We must insist, gently but firmly, that we know their whereabouts, after work or college hours and that they inform us should they expect to be late. When they know that this is prompted by a genuine interest in, and concern for them, they will appreciate, not resent this.

Finally, the time we expect them home can often be an area of much conflict. To avoid this, strive to negotiate for reasonable, mutually accepted timings, instead of making arbitrary decisions, letting them always know that it is their well-being that matters most. Open, healthy Communication then, enriched by love and understanding, is a key solution to the problem.

Over the consumeristic media which exerts such a vital influence on our youth today, we seem to have almost no control. The best we can do is to inculcate in them sound values, sustained by constant communication in an atmosphere of love and strengthened by the example of our own lives. We can then only hope and pray that this will serve as their anchor and their guiding star, enabling them to be discriminating, prudent and cautious. Exercising control over the programmes they watch must begin from their earliest years and they must be guided and motivated to make the right choices.

Peer pressure undeniably continues to gain increasing momentum and power. The amount of pocket money we give our children must be controlled from the start. The more easily we give in to their initial requests, the more they will demand, until their needs soon know no end. It is firmly believed that peer pressure can only be resisted by a strength of character that is built up in homes where love, understanding and togetherness abide.

Elaine Ann Charles